Of Human Bondage 人性的枷锁 Chapter 59

Philip passed the evening wretchedly. He had told his landlady ¹ that he would not be in, so there was nothing for him to eat, and he had to go to Gatti's for dinner. Afterwards he went back to his rooms, but Griffiths on the floor above him was having a party, and the noisy merriment made his own misery ² more hard to bear. He went to a music-hall, but it was Saturday night and there was standing-room only: after half an hour of boredom ³ his legs grew tired and he went home. He tried to read, but he could not fix his attention; and yet it was necessary that he should work hard. His examination in biology was in little more than a fortnight, and, though it was easy, he had neglected his lectures of late and was conscious that he knew nothing. It was only a viva, however, and he felt sure that in a fortnight he could find out enough about the subject to scrape through. He had confidence in his intelligence. He threw aside his book and gave himself up to thinking deliberately ⁴ of the matter which was in his mind all the time., ,He reproached himself bitterly for his behaviour that evening. Why had he given her the alternative that she must dine with him or else never see him again? Of course she refused. He should have allowed for her pride. He had burnt his ships behind him. It would not be so hard to bear if he thought that she was suffering now, but he knew her too well: she was perfectly ⁶ indifferent to him. If he hadn't been a fool he would have pretended to believe her story; he ought to have had the strength to conceal ⁷ his disappointment and the self-control to master his temper. He could not tell why he loved her. He had read of the idealisation that takes place in love, but he saw her exactly as she was. She was not amusing or clever, her mind was common; she had a vulgar shrewdness which revolted him, she had no gentleness nor softness. As she would have put it herself, she was on the make. What aroused her admiration ⁸ was a clever trick played on an unsuspecting person; to 'do' somebody always gave her satisfaction. Philip laughed savagely ⁹ as he thought of her gentility and the refinement ¹⁰ with which she ate her food; she could not bear a coarse word, so far as her limited vocabulary reached she had a passion for euphemisms ¹¹, and she scented ¹² indecency everywhere; she never spoke ¹³ of trousers but referred to them as nether ¹⁴ garments; she thought it slightly indelicate to blow her nose and did it in a deprecating way. She was dreadfully anaemic and suffered from the dyspepsia which accompanies that ailing ¹⁵. Philip was repelled ¹⁶ by her flat breast and narrow hips ⁵, and he hated the vulgar way in which she did her hair. He loathed ¹⁷ and despised himself for loving her., ,The fact remained that he was helpless. He felt just as he had felt sometimes in the hands of a bigger boy at school. He had struggled against the superior strength till his own strength was gone, and he was rendered quite powerless—he remembered the peculiar ¹⁸ languor ¹⁹ he had felt in his limbs, almost as though he were paralysed—so that he could not help himself at all. He might have been dead. He felt just that same weakness now. He loved the woman so that he knew he had never loved before. He did not mind her faults of person or of character, he thought he loved them too: at all events they meant nothing to him. It did not seem himself that was concerned; he felt that he had been seized by some strange force that moved him against his will, contrary to his interests; and because he had a passion for freedom he hated the chains which bound him. He laughed at himself when he thought how often he had longed to experience the overwhelming passion. He cursed himself because he had given way to it. He thought of the beginnings; nothing of all this would have happened if he had not gone into the shop with Dunsford. The whole thing was his own fault. Except for his ridiculous vanity he would never have troubled himself with the ill-mannered slut., , ,'I didn't know then what it was like,' he said to himself., ,He slept very badly. The next day was Sunday, and he worked at his biology. He sat with the book in front of him, forming the words with his lips in order to fix his attention, but he could remember nothing. He found his thoughts going back to Mildred every minute, and he repeated to himself the exact words of the quarrel they had had. He had to force himself back to his book. He went out for a walk. The streets on the South side of the river were dingy ²⁷ enough on week-days, but there was an energy, a coming and going, which gave them a sordid ²⁸ vivacity ²⁹; but on Sundays, with no shops open, no carts in the roadway, silent and depressed ³⁰, they were indescribably dreary ³¹. Philip thought that day would never end. But he was so tired that he slept heavily, and when Monday came he entered upon life with determination. Christmas was approaching, and a good many of the students had gone into the country for the short holiday between the two parts of the winter session; but Philip had refused his uncle's invitation to go down to Blackstable. He had given the approaching examination as his excuse, but in point of fact he had been unwilling ³² to leave London and Mildred. He had neglected his work so much that now he had only a fortnight to learn what the curriculum allowed three months for. He set to work seriously. He found it easier each day not to think of Mildred. He congratulated himself on his force of character. The pain he suffered was no longer anguish, but a sort of soreness, like what one might be expected to feel if one had been thrown off a horse and, though no bones were broken, were bruised ³³ all over and shaken. Philip found that he was able to observe with curiosity the condition he had been in during the last few weeks. He analysed his feelings with interest. He was a little amused at himself. One thing that struck him was how little under those circumstances it mattered what one thought; the system of personal philosophy, which had given him great satisfaction to devise, had not served him. He was puzzled by this., ,The landlady came over to serve me.女店主过来接待我。,Business depression usually causes misery among the working class.商业不景气常使工薪阶层受苦 。